considering divorce

For the record, they are still dismembering trees around here.  Body parts are littering the streets.  I’ve stop quelling the burst of laughter triggered by someone telling me that it makes the trees more beautiful.  How can you call a few leaves growing on a 5 foot tall stump beautiful, unless you are referring to nature’s general Struggle To Survive Despite Us?

Speaking of struggling to survive, Spring Chicken and I are on the rocks.  A friend recently requested more pictures of the puppy here on my blog.  I didn’t know how to tell my friend that I’m currently considering divorce.  I told the Chicken yesterday.

“I want a divorce,” I said.  She raised a poop-caked paw and smeared it on my jeans.  Then she sprinted across the garden.  I don’t think that she understands that the way for us to grow closer is not to run away from me.  Certainly the poop and mud smears aren’t what a relationship counselor would recommend.  Of course, neither would one recommend locking up the offending party back in her cage.

I am just not a good person.  You may remember my pet track record.  I take little responsibility for all the squashed cats.  But you can’t get around a rabbit so starved that she had no eyeballs.  Granted, I learned my lesson and, pre-Peace Corps, haven’t had a pet since I was 13.   I thought I was ready.

But Sanity was possibly eaten.  Now I’m not sure if I can deal with a puppy who apparently lacks the critical skills necessary not to step in her own feces.  Because of rain and lack of running water inside, she always smells and always leaves mud on my hands, ankles and work clothes.  It wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t always wet here, if I didn’t have to keep her outside, if maybe she was a cat.

I know the typical pet owner mantras:
-It’s not her fault.
-She’s your responsibility now, for better or worse.
-The joys of dog ownership outweigh the chores.
-Dog is man’s best friend.

These, however, are the phrases that repeat themselves in my head:
-When did I ask for so much mud ON ME?
-I don’t have the patience for all of this puppy frenzy.
-How would you like it if I threw my turd on YOU!?
-Who am I kidding?  You would probably eat it.

What?  I’m not a good person.  I know this.  I took her on a walk the other day and thought about plausible explanations for how she ended up “falling off the ravine bridge”.  In no scenario could I figure out a good reason for letting go of the leash, so the little trotter survived the brief consideration of canicide.

I’ve made my Google cry for help.  Searches for “please help me I hate my dog” have resulted in the following:
-“Good luck. Next time, DO YOUR HOMEWORK FIRST.”
-“I think just give the dog to a shelter, don’t let pee and excremant dominate your destiny.”
-“I’m not a violent person. Sometimes I want to punch the dog in the face, but I know that may only cause him to piss on my carpet again.”

Truth is, she’s a sweet puppy.  She just ended up with a terrible owner.  Someone, say something to get me to snap out of it.  Quick, dog whisper me over the internet or something!

5 Comments

  1. christine

    Aww, poor little chicky.

    I’m sorry Brento; puppies are hard. But you can do it!! It can’t ALWAYS be rainy there, can it? The mud will go away at SOME point, right?

    I love you & I hope you don’t divorce her! She’s a cute thing with only the best intentions!!

  2. Sarah

    This was a great way to start the day, thank you. I’m considering getting a dog, but I think my first adoptee will be about 12 years old, when I’m ready for her and if she lives that long.

    1. @Sarah… good luck. I hear adopting an adult dog is easier! But what do I know really. I bet you’ll do great!

      @Christine. It’s been rainy for a whole month. Not a single dry day. Seriously. Next wettest place: a swamp… or the ocean. :) I don’t think I’ll divorce her. We just need some counseling. And she needs a place to poop that’s different than the place she sleeps. As we all do, really.

  3. Emily

    Oh, my. Well, I guess I could suggest again to take pictures, so when she turns out to be the sweetest and most loyal GROWN puppy you can remember the time when you wanted to give her a little nudge off the bridge. My mom wanted to kill our puppy because she loved the taste of only my moms leather shoes, baseball gloves, car seats, etc. The puppy even ran in front over her one time while they were on a run together, tripped her and my mom burst her lip open. But, in the end she loved that she couldn’t ever go for a walk without Katja tagging along. I’m saying, be patient, you’re a good person and your puppy will surely grow into a great dog as well. As if you needed something else to test your strength here too…

  4. […] Chicken are no longer together.  It was an amiable split, I think.  She’d long ago stopped smearing her poop on me.  We were getting along really well in fact.  It was the neighbors who ultimately prompted the […]

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